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VOL. 1, No. 18 |
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MASTER SCHOLAR OF ALL CREATURE FEATURES |
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of turkey buzzards. |
By
JOHN STANLEY
of TheColumnists.com
Before you settle down for a nice evening of shudders and shivers,
make sure the movie you've picked to watch on Halloween isn't one of these
suckers:
1. PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE (1956)
The all-time classic of superior ineptitude and remarkable bungling, featuring Bela Lugosi in outdoor footage in which he stands around doing nothing in front of the drab, low-budget home he lived in shortly before his death. "Plan 9" is the cherished, nonperishable masterpiece mess of writer-director Ed Wood, Jr., who gave new meaning to the word "incompetent," and who revolutionized the meaning of "insipid." Words such as amateurish, crude, tedious and aaaarrrggghhh can't begin to describe this cinematic boondoggle, which includes shots of a non-lookalike doubling for Lugosi, who had died before he could shoot his real scenes for the film. The unplotted plot has San Fernando Valley residents troubled by UFOs of the worst encounter. Humanoid aliens Dudley Manlove (a one-time radio announcer during the golden age) and Joanna Lee land a cardboard ship with a ninth plan to conquer the world (the first eight failed, this pair is so lacking in intelligence). Corpses they resurrect for conquest purposes include Vampira, a one-time TV horror hostess, and Tor Johnson, a wrestler who should never have given up his day job. A self-appointed psychic named Criswell introduces the film with typical Wood narrative nonsense, and the film heads steadily downhill from there, much to the chagrin of Lyle Talbot, Tom Keene, Mona McKinnon and others who found themselves hopelessly trapped in the directionless clutches of Ed, their talking director. The whole thing is Wood-en, as in petrified.
2. THE CREEPING TERROR (1964)
This
is the one about an alien monster that looks like an elongated
shag carpet and swallows entire humans through its gaping maw,
even though it takes forever to move 10 feet. The soundtrack,
according to one urban legend, was lost in Lake Tahoe and the
entire movie had to be post-dubbed. That might account for why
the entire film is narrated--not a word of dialogue. You'll be
speechless too as you watch artless director Art Nelson steer
his cast toward oblivion, and proves once and for all he knows
nothing about how to provide motivation to a moving rug. Call
it a half-Nelson.
3.
THE GIANT CLAW (1957)
A giant bird from space, resembling an overweight turkey buzzard and looking rather plucked, can only be stopped by a device called a "mu-meson projector." With long neck and bulging eyeballs, and the titular talon obviously controlled by almost-invisible wires, the thing will have all you bird-watchers rolling in your viewing nests. Director Fred F. Sears, described as a part-time bird watcher, is said to have "winged it" during this strictly-for-the-bird production. It looks it. Hard to believe one of the major studios, Columbia, actually unleashed this winged entity on the viewing public. Producer Sam Katzman must think we're pigeons for anything, when it's Katzman who's a fallen sparrow. It's sad to watch good talent like Jeff Morrow, Mara Corday, Morris Ankrum, Edgar Barrier and Robert Shayne trying to fight off the asinine avian avenger.
 ...one of many absurd scenes from "Fire Maidens of Outer Space." |
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4.
FIRE MAIDENS FROM OUTER SPACE (1956)
Sexy
lady dancers swing to the music of Borodin on a moon of Jupiter
where they want to sacrifice astronaut Anthony Dexter to their
black gods. Director-writer Cy Roth came up with the ludicrous
plot and picked Dexter, an actor of limited range, to carry this
botched sci-fi "adventure."
5.
ROBOT MONSTER (1953)
Leading man George Nader (only one of six humans left on a zapped
Earth) looks almost as mechanical as the extra in a gorilla suit
who's supposed to be an invading alien. On the top of the suit
is a fishbowl made up to resemble a space helmet. And the E.T.
guy has a Bubble Machine (loaned to producer-director Phil Tucker
for the weekend by Lawrence Welk?) for a communications device.
Ro-Man (or the guy in the suit) chases Claudia Barrett and Selena
Royle all over Bronson Canyon. An urban legend persists to this
day that Tucker filmed the whole thing in less than a week and
alleged screenwriter Wyatt Ordung spent all of 30 minutes writing
the script. Marvelously incompetent in the style of "Plan
9 From Outer Space."
© 2000 by John Stanley.
John Stanley caricature © 2000 by Jim Hummel. "The
Giant Claw" display is from the GoodTimes Video.
John
Stanley is the former host of TV's "Creature Features"
and the author of "Creature Features," the acclaimed
guide to horror, sci-fi and psychotronic motion pictures. For
information on how to get a copy of the 2000 edition of Stanley's
guide, click on SHOPPING
MALL
below.
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