The First Annual
Get Lost Awards
Here are four faces we'd like to see less of in 2012, from left: Alec Baldwin, Anderson Cooper, Rupert Murdoch and Rosie O'Donnell.
Some celebs we'd love to put into 2012 hibernation
By GERALD NACHMAN
Herewith a few trophies to throw at celebrities Id like to see a lot less of in 2012:
Hey, Gloria, enough allreddy. There appears to be about 10 Gloria Allred clones poised to leap before a camera to represent every sleazy client in the news--a sure sign her client is guilty as hell. Allred - brassy, shameless and badly dressed - is a leading media slut in this highly competitive category. She makes me miss the once-ubiquitous Mark Garagos. It could be worse: She might get her own show, like the worlds champion brazen TV hussy Nancy Grace. Id pay good money to watch them wrestle each other on Americas Got Loud Mouths.
Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert - Not half as funny as reported, which doesnt faze their diehard fans who laugh at every line, gesture and facial twitch. If their shows are where young people are now reputed to get their news, were in a lot worse trouble than I thought.
David Sedaris - Whose whiney little arent-I-adorable? voice grates after about 30 seconds, no matter how amusing the writing may be. This is an NPR vocal plague that also infects Sedariss sister Amy, Sarah Vowell and Ira Glass, who talks in smug little bleats that seem to say, Im a real person with a goofy voice, but its NPR so Im pretty damn cool.
Tom Brokaw - Wasnt he supposed to have retired about five years ago? Brokaw is hanging around a lot longer than expected - on screen more than when he anchored the NBC Nightly News. Tom, youre a nice guy and deeply concerned about America and all but youve worked the Greatest Generation bit to the bone. Brokaw, like fellow anchor emeritus Ted Koppel, is on the brink of becoming a windbag.
Alec Baldwin - Another guy who needs to take a long hike but TV cant get enough of him, whether hes popping up on Saturday Night Live every other week, gabbing with Robert Osborne about old films on Turner Classic Movies or making a jerk of himself on YouTube, chewing out his daughter or a hapless flight attendant in a rage. Now he threatens to run for office, guaranteeing him even more face time. See ya around, Alec!
Donald Trump - The self-invented self-parody who wore out his welcome about 15 years ago refuses to go away, returning in some new equally absurd persona every year, from blowhard entrepreneur, to survivor show host, to candidate for president, to GOP debate moderator. No matter the disguise, hes the worlds leading pain in the neck and blow-dried blowhard.
Charlie Sheen - Hes already self-destructed pretty nicely so we probably dont need to worry so much about him next year, but it never hurts to squelch persistent rumors about his imminent return to TV - and even worse, the front page.
Rupert Murdoch - The sun (if not The Sun) seems finally to be setting on his rotting media empire, and not an edition too soon. Couldnt have happened to a scummier guy, whose life work has been dedicated to proving H.L. Menckens adage about never underestimating the intelligence of the average American (not to mention Australian and Englishman).
Lindsay Lohan - Do we really need to watch her disintegrate in public, a la Amy Winehouse? The media cant get enough of show bizs trouble-addicted Lohan, whose main talent seems to be self-abusing herself for our reading and viewing pleasure.
Anything named Kardashian - Poor Robert Kardashian, the ace attorney who went to his grave thinking he had helped save O.J. Simpson from death row, only to have unknowingly and posthumously inflicted his deadly daughters upon an innocent world.
Anderson Cooper - CNNs favorite pinup boy and disaster chaser is expanding his global reach well beyond his already strained grasp, hosting just what the world needs - another talk show. Speaking of which
Katie Couric - Time to hang it up, Sweetie, and join Connie Chung, Paula Zahn and others in the Home for Aging Failed Female News Anchors. You gave it your best shot, Katie, but a mighty nation shrugged.
...shown waving goodbye,
perhaps because she heard
Nachman wants her to
"GET LOST!" in 2012.
Walter Isaacson - Nice job on Steve Jobs, but I think we know more about the late high tech whiz kid than we need to know. The beatification process can take it from here
Rosie ODonnell - She treats every failure as a feather in her cap, moving inexorably onward despite a noxious personality and a shameless gift for self-cannibalizing survival that members of the Donner Party would applaud.
The Occupiers - Your hearts are sort of in the right place; your heads not so much. Time to regroup and rethink your goals, tactics and purposes. Civil disobedience is tougher than it looks. No amateurs need apply. Go back and study your Ghandi.
All the GOP presidential candidates - Except Newt Gingrich, a living Pillsbury Dough Boy. Watching the hot air go out of Newt on election night, like a leaky balloon in the Macys Thanksgiving Day Parade, would be way too much fun to miss.
©2012 by Gerald Nachman. The photos are courtesy of Wikipedia, the online encyclopedia. The Alec Baldwin and Rosie O'Donnell photos are by David Shankbone. This column first posted Jan. 2, 2012.
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