A SEX ADDICTION CLINIC?
"Good morning, Mr. Woods. I've been
reading through your case file and I
think I have a solution for your problem.
It will, however, require the removal
of the offending body part."
Maybe Bill Clinton could
offer Tiger some advice
By ANDY MURCIA
So, the great golfer Tiger Woods has checked himself into a clinic for sex addiction.
This guy sure has his hands full with all his woman problems. Maybe thats a bad choice of words. I mean, he has a lot of domestic problems that I hope he can work out to his and his wifes satisfaction.
In the meantime, though, Im more than curious about how any clinic would go about treating a heterosexual guy for sex addiction?
Lets see if I can work this out: Say we have a guy who is attracted to women, and yes, hes also married. So this guy gets lucky with a lot of other girls and has sex with them and his wife finds out. They get in a hissy-fit over it and he wrecks his car, which makes us all aware something is wrong at Tiger's house. Is he now ready to declare himself a sex addict? I dont think so, but I may be wrong.
What about the treatment? How does this work? Will a shrink put the guy on a couch and ask him why he is attracted to so many women? I always thought that such a desire was put in men by God so we would want to get a woman, marry her and start procreating. Isn't that part of the "survival of the species" deal?
Did God screw up and put too much of the want stuff into just some of us men? For instance, Bill Clinton, Warren Beatty, Wilt Chamberlain and Tiger Woods!
Did former President Clinton ever check into a clinic for sex addiction? If he did, I never heard about it. Maybe he cured himself while nobody was looking. Or maybe he just found a new way to dodge tabloid reporters. If so, perhaps he should call Tiger and give him a few pointers and spare him all that time in the sex addiction clinic.
I dont think a shrink would try to get Tiger not to like women. I guess the goal would be to curb his appetite for them since he has married one of them.
I could see where a shrink would want to treat a rapist to put him on the proper course. It would be nice to change a rapist's mind set, for instance, so he would try real hard to woo girls instead of grabbing them and hauling them into the bushes.
I guess a shrink could use hypnosis on a pedophile and plant the idea in his head that he can't perform sexually until after he has looked at an I.D. that says the person is over 18. That could solve a lot of problems.
But how could a shrink go about getting a man like Tiger to forget about wanting to have sex with all the chicks who seem to want him? If his problem was drinking, he could be sent to Alcoholics Anonymous, but I don't think there's a support group known as "Sex Addicts Anonymous," is there? How would that work anyway? If you feel yourself getting the urge, would you call your support person, who would then come over with a strong dose of salt peter?
Worse yet, they might send over a recovered sex addict like Bill Clinton to "talk you down." I can imagine how that conversation would go:
TIGER: "Bill, you gotta help me. This babe's a certified '10' and she's got me reaching for my putter already!"
BILL: "Been there, son, done that! Don't worry, I'll be right over and will take care of this for you. One way or another."
Ex-New York Gov. Elliott Spitzer handled his sex addiction problem another way: He tried the "pay up front" plan, but that backfired on him and he wound up paying a lot more than he counted on.
There are a lot of these sex addiction stories now making headlines, which means there are probably a lot more cases out there that we never hear about because they involve "Joe Nobody" guys. And then there are the unreported cases involving guys who are real pros at cheating on their wives without getting caught.
Here's my advice on how to handle the problem: If youre well known and in the public eye, dont let your little guy do the thinking for the big guy! Best thing for heterosexual sex addiction is to work it all out with the wife in your own home. Or take the wife on the road with you. Leave the bimbos for the single guys.
Here's the long and short of it: There is no real cure for sex addiction except death or just some good old fashion common sense.
Go home, Tiger, if its not too late. Come clean to the wife and kiss up. Just be that clean-cut guy you led us all to think you were. We are all more than willing to forgive and forget, in due time, because after all, you didnt hurt us fans. You hurt yourself, your wife, your kids, and your family members. Don't let it happen again, huh?
©2010 by Andy Murcia. The Murcia caricature is ©2003 by Jim Hummel. The cartoon is from IMSI's Master Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd. E., San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA. This column first posted Feb. 1, 2010.
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