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Out of Left Field |
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for SADDAM ...and BUSH? |
 Farouk Umon, Isaacstani v.p. for potentate housing, was startled to learn he must find a palace for Saddam and Bush to share. |
Isaacstan offers the mother of all asylums
of TheColumnists.com
With the stalemate in the world situation involving
President George Bush’s desire to move the United States
into a war against Iraq and Saddam Hussein, the time may be ripe
for the recently-discovered nation of Isaacstan to step in and
find a solution.
Isaacstan’s national legislative body, The Bath (“the
esteemed members of The Bath ignore cries from critics that “they
are all wet”) voted recently to offer asylum as a way out
of this crisis. Isaacstan is ready to provide asylum to both
Saddam Hussein and George Bush as a way of removing the troublemakers
causing the world’s tension.
Lest there be any confusion by the uninformed about Isaacstan’s
arrival on the world scene, I should inform that the People’s
Republic of Isaacstan came to light in one of my dreams. I thought
at first that it was only a dream, but my revelations about life
in Isaacstan, one of the Stans that dot the Middle East landscape,
created such a stir in some fanciful corners that I no longer
think of it as a figment of my imagination. Now, in the eyes
of many, Isaacstan lives along with Afghanistan, Kazakhstan,
Kyrgyzstan, Tajikistan, Turkmenistan and Uzbekistan.
Isaacstan was moved to act upon reading a recent development
reported in The Bleat, the nation’s newspaper. It was revealed
that a senior intelligence officer of Saudi Arabia was engaged
in discussions with Hussein’s son, Qussy, on a proposal
to offer amnesty to Hussein along with an exile home for members
of his extended family.
This seemed like a good idea, but somewhat limited because it
addressed only one of the central characters in the current standoff.
The wise men of Isaacstan believe that any option that removes
both Hussein and Bush without resorting to war is far superior
to a destructive military campaign that would cost $100 billion
dollars. Certainly, a good portion of the world would be happy
to see both Bush and Hussein put away in a safe place. Hence
Isaacstan’s offer.
They would be, you might say, the Mother of All Odd Couples.
Most of the population of Isaacstan-480,000-hailed this offer
because among other things, they are not happy with Mr. Bush’s
seeming lapse of memory about the Osama Bid Laden reward. At
a time when Bush was talking about Osama Bin Laden--and not Hussein--as
the world’s No. 1 terrorist, the United States offered a
reward of $25 million for the capture of Bin Laden. Isaacstanians
had a bit of a giggle about this because they would try to capture
Osama for just $25.
 Isaacstani artist's concept of the Bush-Saddam Palace, located in as remote a sector of The Valley of Posh as they could find. Both leaders will be offered the right wing, but, for purposes of this illustration, Saddam won the toss. |
Students of recent developments remember that at the height of the search for Osama in the hills of Aghanistan, the Bleat won a journalism prize for its headline, “They Don’t Do the Hora in Tora Bora.”
In his obsession with Hussein, Mr. Bush seems to have forgotten all about Osama and the reward. The citizens of Isaacstan who have been striving to earn that reward have not forgotten about it. Some of the more militant among them think that Hussein should have been offering a reward for any Iraqui that captured George Bush.
As part of its asylum offer, the Bath proposal called on the United States to follow the example of Kazakhstan, Isaacstan’s neighbor, to disarm. As Condoleeza Rice, Bush’s national security adviser, wrote in the New York Times the other day, it is not unheard of for nations to voluntarily disarm. South Africa and the Ukraine, as well as Kazakhstan, gave up their weapons of mass destruction.
Some critics of the asylum offer see this a clever stratagem by Isaacstan to get at some of the money the United States would save if there were no war. Isaacstan is a poor country. As close followers of its economy know, its monetary unit is the brick. There are 100 million bricks to one U.S. dollar. Its chief industries are yogurt processing, the production of goatskin cothing and farming. It is rich in livestock with 13 million goats, 10 million chicken and 209,000 pigs-but no sheep.
Isaacstan would hope that providing asylum for Bush would be amply rewarded by Americans relieved to see war averted. This may be wishful thinking because there are already great budget deficits in the United States. There is such a need for social programs that the escape from war might embolden a national cry for a reversal of priorities by this, or, more likely, a future U.S. administration.
Critics aside, Isaacstanians are flooding their churches, mosques or whatever, praying for the day when they can welcome the Odd Couple and avert war. The country is unique for being 33 per cent Muslim, 33 per cent Catholic, 33 per cent Atheists, and it has some former Protestant missionaries who were converted to Judaisim in the city of Islamagood.
Isaacstanian hospitality would no doubt make a place for the pair in its tourist center, the Valley of Posh. Tourist attractions there include the sampling of 37 different kinds of yogurt, buying goatskinware on the cheap and attending spirited games of thrashplotz--the national game that is a cross between soccer and rugby played in a sea of mud.
One can imagine a Super Bowl of Thrashplotz-between George Bush and Saddam Hussein.
©2003 by Stan Isaacs. The Stan Isaacs caricature is ©2001 by Jim Hummel. The illustrations are from IMSI's Master Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd. E., San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA.
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