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Forget those monster duds!
Try these spooky costumes
By BUCKY FOX
of TheColumnists.com
You want scary this
Halloween season? Try on these costumes:
The Bobby Jenks: Sure to jar the neighborhood. Comes in one size:
Frankenstein, with White Sox, World Series ring included. When
the treaters ask for a trick, you'll feel like pitching a baseball
100 mph.
The Houston Astro: Put this on and you undergo an amazing transformation. Suddenly you feel weak. Can't hit anything. Especially if you're trick or treating with anyone wearing the Bobby Jenks.
The Ozzie Guillen: What a fun night! Wear this and you're shouting
"Viva Venezuela" at every doorstep. You can pretend
to manage the Chicago White Sox to the world title by hunching
over and spitting. And spreading your arms to mock the
Jenks giant next to you.
The Brad Lidge: Talk about terrifying. As soon as you appear in this, homeowners will throw you candy and slam the door. Simply no relief. At least they won't hit you the way playoff teams did this Houston Astro namesake.
The Paul Whitfield: Think you're unassuming? Not after you don this. You'll feel like the Hulk after eating the wrong treat. Time to flex your finger muscles. Instantly on your White Sox Web site (www.The SouthSider.com) you're pounding the enemy. The L.A. Angels' Bartolo Colon is the PMS Pitcher for skipping out at crunch time. Their owner is Mr. Slippery Billionaire for changing their name from Anaheim. Their fans are a bunch of beachball-flipping fakes. Just make sure you're not wearing the Whitfield in Orange County.
The Umpire: Not to be confused with "vampire." This man in blue makes truly creepy calls, like letting a White Sox player cheat his way to first base after a strikeout against the Angels in the American League playoffs. And turning a missed Astro tag against the Cardinals into an out in the National League playoffs.
The Dame Defense: Wear this garb, and everyone will run you over.
You'll protest that Notre Dame is winning at a high-octave level,
but no one will hear you. You'll be lucky if any lollypops flung
your way have less than 30 points printed on
them.
The Eagle Ending: This is one chilling getup. As soon as folks open
their door,
they'll surrender all their sweets. Because your Philadelphia
Eagles steal everything in the end anyway. Blocked kick for a
touchdown in the waning seconds to the beat San Diego this season.
Scooped fumble for a TD to beat the Giants in the Miracle at
the Meadowlands in 1978.
The Shaq: Another one that comes in one size: monstrous. Make sure you pull on the Miami Heat version. If you spot revelers in the L.A. Laker oldie, make sure to mock them. That'll make you the center of attention.
Happy Halloween.
©2005 by Bucky Fox. This column first posted Oct. 31, 2005.
You can visit Bucky Fox's
website at www.BuckyFox.com
You
can comment on this column online. Please address your message
to either "The Editors" or Bucky Fox. To send an email,
click here and don't forget to mention Bucky's name: talkback@thecolumnists.com
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