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How did bomb suspect
avoid terminal jock itch?
of TheColumnists.com
I am terribly confused
about the Underwear Bomber.
This is not about the fanaticism of a lonely 23-year-old, with
no girl friends in sight, who is willing to blow himself up in
pursuit of the promised 72 virgins or so and take along a few
hundred innocent people on a flight to Detroit.
No doubt, there are plenty of those nuts still out there willing
to do us harm.
This is about a guy who could carry explosive powder in his underwear
over 10,000 miles from Yemen to Nigeria to Holland to Detroit
over a day or so without getting jock itch.
He shouldn’t be tried and executed as a terrorist. He should
be put in a cage and placed on exhibit for all men who ever sweated
into a jock strap.
I’ll spell his name only once. Then I’ll just call
him U. His name is Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab. One of the most
amusing aspects of the case was listening to television reporters
from Dallas, Phoenix, Baltimore, New York and Boston trying to
pronounce his name. U it is.
U apparently got loaded up with the stuff in Yemen. Then he flew
on to his home country of Nigeria. Then he walked through metal
detectors on to a flight to Amsterdam. Then after some three
hours layover, he boarded the six hour Northwest Airlines Flight
253 to Detroit.
I don’t know how heavy his underwear baggage was. An ounce,
maybe. Six ounces, possibly. How about a pound?
How did he do it? Did he pull his pants down when he went to
the rest room? Did he ever go to the rest room? Is he one of
those freaks of nature who could sit through a Green Bay tailgate
party and a three hour game in 40 below temperature and never
once have to make number one?
Why am I so fixated on this?
Well, I have been around athletes in my professional life for
more than half a century.
What is the first thing a baseball player does when he walks
up to home plate in the opening inning? He grabs at his crotch.
He has to see that the family jewels are still there. Has to
tug at them, redirect them, soothe them and warm them.
He is carrying nothing inside that jock except what nature has
provided. Unless he is a pitcher. Then he may have a protective
cup in there. Would you stand 60 feet six inches away from a
possible line drive that could tear your head off without protection?
Watch basketball players as they line up on the foul line for
the tie-breaking foul shot.
They check their shorts to see that everything is in the right
position. They never go up against another seven foot 280-pounder
in search of a rebound unless their underpinnings are in order.
Football players check the territory carefully after every scrum.
They don’t care if they lose a helmet in battle or pop out
of a shoulder guard. Just don’t let the home town be damaged.
Watch a fight. Each boxer can take crushing blows to their head,
their face, their ribs or their kidneys. No matter. It’s
all part of the game. But if the opponent goes south, forgetaboutit.
Tennis is a gentleman’s game. You don’t see as much
personal inspection. Except maybe if you happen to be Michael
Chang, the great star of the 1980s. His mother once walked on
the court during a match, placed her hands under his tennis whites
and felt for dampness.
Would that U’s mom had been so careful and concerned.
The experts tell us that the Shoe Bomber of a decade ago had
the same explosive U used inside the heels of his shoes.
Now every grandmother, every tot and every traveler has to be
some version of Shoeless Joe Jackson before they can board a
flight from Newark, New Orleans or San Francisco to visit relatives.
They are talking about more body scans and pat downs before we
board flights as a result of this attempt by the U Bomber. Will
we all have to throw our undershorts over a screen for inspection
now?
I still can’t see how this happened.
Did the passengers next to U on his flight ignore the fact that
he was obviously playing with himself under a blanket as he attempted
to light a fuse or set off the explosion with a syringe?
Can anyone explain why he waited until the plane was nearing
Detroit before he finally decided to light up? Wouldn’t
he have met his virgins just as well if he exploded himself a
half hour out over the Atlantic?
The U Bomber has me completely confused. One thing I know for
sure. He never played any sports. He would have been tugging
away a lot earlier than Detroit if he had.
©2010 by Maury Allen. The Maury Allen caricature is ©2001 by Jim Hummel. The illustration is from IMSI's Master Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd. E., San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA. This column first posted Jan. 11, 2010.
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